I’m no techie, not in any real sense of the word, but some of my friends seem to have ridiculously high impressions of my computer savviness. Did I say impressions? What I mean to say is: expectations. More than once have I gotten the dreaded phone call asking for help and more than once have I allowed my stroked ego to sucker me into saying, ” Okay, just drop your laptop off and I’ll take a look at it” …just as though I am qualified!
My willingness to make an ass of myself and risk high-priced toys and gadgets have forced me into a life of subterfuge, and I secretly scour the Net for software and forum posts that I have collected and manhandled into an arsenal fit for a Geek Queen.
Here are links to some of my favorite software programs that really do work! (and as an added bonus: it’s all freeware!)
Basic Maintenance Stuff
Did I mention that I’m not an expert at all this? You don’t want to have to come ask someone like me to play god with your “baby.” Get pro-active! Keep your computer happily cruising on with these supersmooth maneuvers.
First of all, keep your hard drive neat and tidy. Your computer is a machine, an appliance. It doesn’t think about its processes; it just performs them as you tell it to. You have to tell it to clean its room sometimes, or it never will… and then one day it will be squawking for you all tripped up in a pile of dirty underwear.
Windows does come included with utilities that do dirty work; some of those tools are clunky, slow, and/or inefficient, and while a couple are almost indispensable. One easy way to access them: Start>All Programs>Accessories>System Tools. I’ll go over them individually if/when each topic pops up.
Well, okay, since we’re in the neighborhood… Back your shit up. The words Jennifer Gardner wishes she had the cajones to drop on that buffoon Busey are even more applicable here. Take a moment (yes, now) and pop over to System Restore with me (Start>All Programs>Accessories>System Tools>System Restore). Click on “System Restore Settings” and make sure that your drive(s) are being monitored. There will be times here and there when you will need to temporarily shut that off, but generally speaking: keep it on. If you have a moment, why not create a restore point right now?Do it! Name it after me! 
Here’s another essential thing that you can do from the Start menu without downloading a single byte – remove all that old software that you’ve outgrown and forgotten! Clean out your closet by heading to the Control Panel and clicking on Add/Remove Programs. For gawdsake, don’t just delete programs you’re tired of; make sure you uninstall them using this application whenever possible… otherwise parts of the incorrectly deleted program will be left behind, irremovable, and will clog up your computer unto eternity.
The most useful download I can offer up is a sexy little number called CCleaner. This freeware program is something like a Swiss Army knife of computer maintenance tools, and will singlehandledly enable your computer to kick butt. Install and run the Cleaner, both for the Cdrive and the registry. You can access the Registry Cleaner by clicking “Issues” on the main menu. (A quick word about the registry: other than this, do not screw with it. Paid professionals can muck about in it, not us. However, the task that this program performs is a safe and useful one. …Oh and when it asks if you want to back up the registry, say yes (of course!))
CCleaner can also perform an edit of the Startup applications, an important step to optimizing your computer’s performance speed, but this is not the safest or simplest way to go. The list it provides of your PC’s Startup tasks is not comprehensive; what’s more, the changes you make here with CCleaner are irreversible. There are healthier ways to prune your Startup workload. Here we go!
When I want to tweak Startup applications, I cut out the middleman. Go Start>Run and type in the magic code word: msconfig. First, double-check (on the “General” screen) that your computer is in Normal Startup mode. Now hop over to the “Startup” tab. You can toggle between having these applications run on Startup or disabling them. (Same with “Services” -but we’ll come back to that another time.)
After doing all this, it’s time to defrag. Windows’ defragging tool is a ponderous behemoth that will have you twiddling your thumbs all night & leave you wondering what the point was. Don’t even bother with that clunker. I offer you instead the mighty sleek IObit SmartDefrag. It’s really easy to use, so I’m going to stop here and pour me another cuppa while you take care of business.
